“All human life has its seasons, and no one’s personal chaos can be permanent: winter, after all does not last forever does it? There is summer, too, and spring, and though sometimes when branches stay dark and the earth cracks with ice, one thinks they will never come, that spring, that summer, but they do, and always."
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Walk in My Shoes...
No one understands this, it leaves you with a body with no life in it.
Sister of a murder victim, 1998
"I miss being a passenger in my car." (I have to drive now!) "I miss having to buy men's aftershave or white Stanford cotton T-shirts." "I miss being a wife." "My husband's father has lied to me and gone behind my back and had a reporter write personal information about me just to make a name for himself." "I'm sick of seeing my husband's death written about in magazines and never even being informed the story is going to be written." "It hurts knowing I know I make people uncomfortable because they don't know what to say." "It feels as if the world is rushing along and I can't catch up." "I sometimes feel lost even though even though I have a thousand places to be, I never have a place to run even having a thousand places to go." "I wish I didn't feel as if I had to justify who my husband was. I'm tired of saying "But he was different."
CT, New wife and mother, unsolved case 2002
1/03 Subject: Triggers
Yesterday we briefly discussed how "triggers" can arise under the most innocuous of circumstances.
Yesterday afternoon I was at Fashion Valley finishing up my X-mas shopping. I popped into the Discovery Channel Store to see if there was anything of interest. As my gaze ranged over some big, juicy, coffee table books, one caught my eye: "Crime Scene." The "coroner's stamp" font they used was made to be sensational. A few years ago, I would have immediately thought of my dad's crime scene--right in the middle of an otherwise pleasurable expedition.
Turning away from that, I continued to look, focusing on the store's always interesting selection of videos. There were at least four or five "Forensic Files" and "Cold Case Files" videos, with disturbing imagery on the packaging which was clearly meant to titillate, and sell.
Phew! The land mines are all over, just an observation.
CC, daughter of a victim accused was found not guilt, 2003
"Get a Grip!"
A murder victim's sister asks the District Attorney why the killer gets involuntary manslaughter when her brother was shot in the back five times. The DA says: "Get a Grip! It's not the end of the world." Her reply was: "It was for my brother!"
A sister asks, in a case that doesn't turn out favorably, why the killer gets involuntary manslaughter when her brother was shot in the back five times? The DA's reply is: "Get a grip, it's not the end of the world." To that she said: "It was for my brother".
The following comments were sent after an email inquiry of how Survivors were being impacted by 9-11.
My grief has re-surfaced with vengeance since 9-11. My thoughts of my son, stepson and mother are almost constant. I really did not tie it into 9-11 until I got your email. But upon reflecting, I realize that since 9-11 my thoughts have been filled with sadness over my losses. Sometimes the grief is absolutely overwhelming. I have been in mourning again. I do not feel right wearing colors. I find myself yearning more and more for the comfort of prayer, and at the same time find it more difficult to pray. The future is uncertain and that causes a certain amount of fear and apprehension. I wish I could say that I have been nicer to people, but I actually have closed people out. I find myself keeping people at a distance. I was even told a couple of weeks ago that I am mean. I am not trying to be, but in an effort to protect myself I do keep people at a distance. Especially my family, which is very painful.
9-11 has brought fear and uncertainty. It has brought to the forefront feelings of grief I thought I had worked through. I feel very isolated and yet do not necessarily want to end that isolation. It somehow feels safer. Anyway, those are my thoughts. How do they compare with others? Am I completely off my rocker? Take care. Lot's of love,
We are all just doing our best. Denial helps. If we were acutely aware of every danger in our lives we would be paralyzed. Look at all the centuries of strife in the world. We are only babies. We will do fine adjusting and surviving. Especially with all of the love and hope we have. Love you,
Honestly, I do not think I have reacted any differently to 9-11 than I would if I had not previously suffered a violent loss. I was devastated, I grieved, and since I have tried to be that much more supportive of our troops and family members who are working to protect our nation. PTSD did not kick in as it did with the Van Dam Case. I hope this was helpful.
I was traumatized all over again by this event. I actually thought in a weird way that "America" knows how we as survivors of violent death feel now. At least for a moment....I certainly would not wish this event on anyone. I hope that fate guides me to JUSTICE & TRUTH. God Bless America...
The Thought that I have is the greatest sadness for the victims' families and how they're loved ones lives were robbed from them. I have invasive thoughts that there are people out there who are actively waiting, stalking, and planning to harm the people of our nation at any moment on such a great magnitude and in such a violent manner. That affects our waking moments so often; it impedes many activities and contributes to the breakdown of our mental wellness - even as a nation. Our determination as a people and a nation, not to lose any more, is comforting. I pray we are successful.
Dee DEE B.
I feel that being close to family is more important than it has even been since 9/11. It has also made me worry about what could happen next. I'm nervous about foreigners and worry what they will do next.
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